Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Hi, I will take one new go please.

But she asked "Just one?" and it got me thinking. All this hard work and I'm just hoarding the feeling of accomplishment to myself? I've never been one to keep all of the M&M's, I may keep the blue ones but I'll share every last brown one with you. "Well now that you mention it, why not give me 22 new lives. I'll take those to go too please." And that was the order that I put in to Alyshia Davies just 6 months ago. And I have to say it's been a beautiful journey that I have had the blessing of being able to share with so many people on the same path. I still have a long road ahead but I'm well on my way and won't be turning back. This is now my and my family's new life.

I knew back in February '10 that it was time to do something about my weight. But I had no idea that I wasn't alone in the feeling of self loathing and hopelessness about weight loss prior to that decision. The concept seemed to me that it was a journey saved for those that only needed to lose a few pounds. As for those of us who have 50+ pounds to lose...well, that's reserved for people with a "will". For me, I knew I had a will for many things. A will to take care of my family, a will to have a strong marriage, a will to have a good job, a will to help others. But a will to help me? Help myself? That concept was as foreign as leaving 1/2 a doughnut behind.

But in reality, how can you have the will to do positive things for others but not for yourself? DING *smacks forehead* AHA! THAT is where I realized I had a problem. I put everyone and everything ahead of taking care of me.

I'm a genius at taking care of things. Taking care of kids, taking care of my friends needs, taking care of animals, but what about me? That day I looked in the mirror and said "Now what?!", I just needed someone to hold my hand for the first few steps. Isn't that what friends are for? But what if our friends don't have the tools to help? I mean how many times have you heard "Just don't eat it" or "Just go exercise on your own"? And where is the motivation supposed to come from? In the past I absolutely knew this: any exercise/diet regimen would consist of me having fun with my friends for 2-4 weeks then quitting because well, I let the "will to help everyone else" creep back in 1st place. At that point it was easier to focus on the important things. Like avoiding the issue. It was just so much easier... was it? Really? Answer that for yourself and be honest.

This is where the order I placed for 22 lives comes in. Looking back I know that anyone who is overweight can be ok with it. I was ok with it. I was ok with being fat and getting fatter. Or so I had convinced myself. But I knew way in the back of my mind and in my heart that it wasn't healthy, and still was ok with it. I knew it wasn't good for my mindset, but I was ok with it. I knew it wasn't ok to teach my kids that "you can be just like me when you are older too if you avoid things", and still was ok with it. Until I confronted myself with my own personal intervention, I simply avoided admitting it. If you are there it's ok. Because there is hope. There is happiness in yourself. And there is an amazing person that will look back at you in the mirror and tell you that you are doing a great job. Even when you eat a candy bar for lunch. Because it's not all about the things you do wrong. It's about all the things you do right.

So here I am running miles and miles. I still look in the mirror sometimes and think "You are SO not a runner" and then I look down at my shoes that are covered in mud from running 6 miles in the water and mud and I laugh. You see, I am whatever I choose to be. And today, that is a runner.

I don't expect that everyone thinks they can ever be a runner. I completely understand that as I never EVER thought I could run. But have you ever tried? Like really given it a chance? If not, I just so happen to have 21 new lives to give away...first come first serve. Just come try with me.

(If running truly isn't your thing after giving it a fair shake then let's go exercise together! I love a good game of jungle gym freeze tag at Howard Park on any weekend!)

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

"You're not fat, you're just overweight!"

I'm a self proclaimed talker so it shouldn't be that hard to start a blog, but every time I want to write it's like I'm on stage with a huge crowd in front of me with all eyes and ears on me for the most important information they will ever hear! But here's the deal. I freeze, I can't seem to get a word out, why you ask? DUH, because I have a huge wedgie! I can't get a word out because of the insane urge to yank that wedgie out and yelp like a pitbull that has to pee in the middle of the night. (Thank you Julie, my bff of 35 years for having THAT dream.) And by the way, when I had a dream about stage fright, it had nothing to do with a wedgie. Not that any of this matters, I'm just sayin. Think of it as a preview of my random sarcasm while you read about my journey from being unhappily overweight to still overweight but happy AND on my way to skinny! So here's my story.

One might think that my life is a little hectic. I am not a fan of all this chaos in my world I'd prefer to be in a hotel room ANYWHERE and having no responsibilities for just a few days. And please, let me know if someone out there could figure out a way to make my kids get along without the argument ending up with a flip flop through the living room window that would be great! There's basketball, homework, calls from the principal, emails to teachers, dog hair everywhere, I know there's more than one bra in here somewhere, church, seeing my busy hubby only on Sundays due to scheduling conflicts, auto quotes, youth group, and how on earth am I supposed to fit in episodes of the Modern Family!!?? Oh ya, and I run. A lot. More than most fugitives fleeing to Canada. It's all new to me and I don't really know where it came from other than I got REALLY tired of being fat.

FAT SUCKS. Yes, Mr. Parks 9th grade science teacher, I said sucks. Out loud even! Yep, just like an earthquake, FAT sucks. And what sucks even more is when I would beat myself up for eating too much, or whatever the vice of the day was. Mostly eating, but man that darn Farmtown can really suck you in too! But ya, it sucks! And it made me crazy, it became an obsession to eat. And when I wasn't eating I was thinking about what I could eat next. Like Lucky Charms! Once I had this skinny girl tell me that she would love to help me lose weight and get fit. Help ME? AYKM? Because I'm fine! The only help I need is cleaning my house and picking up the kids once in awhile. You see, I have NO TIME FOR ME. I'm too busy to exercise, are you kidding?? I just want to go away on a mini vaca every couple of months with my BFF to escape and sleep. So then I can watch reruns with the tv on all night long, drink diet pepsi and eat some ice cream. How does that sound you skinny blond that really should consider fixing someone else who doesn't have any desire to eat healthy. That is just too much effort. How rude of a skinny girl to say "Hey, you are really out of shape, let me help you." But how do I say that to a girl I just met at church. HA! Clearly the polite thing to do was smile and say, "THANKS, but not now. Here's my number, call me sometime and we can talk." And darnit I knew she would too. Crap, another person I will have to entertain in my oh so busy world. Grand.

But as my days passed I kept thinking of my new "friend" aka Skinny Blond. And it kind of hit me hard that, wow, I didn't know I looked like that to others. From then on I really realized that I presented myself to others as an overweight person. Me....Who never looked in the mirror and acknowledged that I had gained 50+ pounds from the time I started dating my husband in 1999. I just thought I looked ok, and only I knew I wasn't skinny. It was my little secret that no one else knew. I didn't realize that others viewed me as overweight until that day. So I started realizing that I had been completely void of acknowledging how I was treating my own body. I was not taking care of it and honestly, had no desire either. I wanted to sleep! It didn't help that we lost our business of 12 years and that my husband and I both were out of jobs. We really had hit rock bottom. All that PLUS I felt like crap about myself. It got old FAST. My kids can't see me like this. It's time to make a change. We can't live like this, so off I go to get a job.

Thank God for 2 things. 1 being: It's who you know, not what you know. (Especially in Amador County!) 2: For April Green. So, that said, I land this amazing job at State Farm Insurance. The first of many things that helped me change my world around. Trust me, the Ca. Insurance Licensing Exam is straight from hell. Harder than giving birth drug free. Honest! After failing the first time I figured that I had worked too hard to fail again, so I took the test again and passed. That was enough to put me on a path of pulling my life together on a level that I had never imagined.

Skip forward 6 months and who walks in the door of the Insurance office for some car insurance but that Skinny Blonde that I had met at church! That's right. The Alyshia Davies. And guess who invites me to run. And to lunch. Well, what I was skilled at is eating so lunch it is! Let's not talk running, just food. Let's bring that on. During that first lunch of many with Alyshia, she started asking me questions about me. She share with me of how she used to be fat, ahem, overweight. How she had lost 150 pounds. She asked more questions. She listened and all I did was cry. I cried for what I wasn't, for what I was and for what I wanted to be. She said again "let me help you" and this time I took the bait.

And so began the day that I ran. All because one girl cared enough to help.

And for a hint about my next post..... "BUT I'M NOT A RUNNER!!!"

Friday, March 19, 2010


Welcome to my first Blog! YAY! I've had this for a few months...just sitting here empty and alone just waiting for me to decide what the heck a blog does. I mean really...what does a blog do? It let's some people vent I guess. Maybe share their day but really how entertaining can a blog be? I mean, that has to depend on what you are looking for. What are you looking for? What am I trying to accomplish? I have NO idea! But I do know this; if you are looking to read about someone who is a survivor of everyday silliness, someone who can encourage herself, someone who can find the positive in the worst situation, someone who can laugh at herself, then you might like it! You will read about a woman who makes mistakes and loves to learn from each one of them. Yes, I know it's hard to believe but I do make mistakes; but the deal here is I do my best to learn from each one and my hope is to share a little insight to even ONE person, and that's ok.

I thought about it for a long time as to what to blog about. I still don't really know but maybe it might help me, help others or go unread. Either way I think just typing out what my world is going through might just be a good thing for me. And maybe others here and there along the way.

So I guess I will get started on my latest goal. FIND THE POSITIVE! Lately I have been challenged. Challenged beyond the normal challenges of everyday. My mindset had to be changed. I HAD to make that change. I have to look for the positive in these ridiculous situations sometimes. Like the LAME guy that called me at work and blamed ALL of California's insurance issues on ME personally! Yes, I realize that I am THAT fantastic that the Insurance Commissioner calls me personally to give him guidance and insight on our needs throughout the state. OYE VAY! Really dude? Because when I call AT&T to ask POLITELY (key word here people) why my rates have increased, I'm CERTAIN that it isn't the lady on the other end that personally raised the rates. I'm fairly confident that she is probably a mom, making 13$ an hour, working nights, trying to take care of her kids, and being attacked by NUMEROUS others who don't have the $$ to pay their bills either!!! Seriously! That being said it seems to me that we have the ability to set the tone and be polite right? So what the heck jerkface man?!? I know there is a positive here and this one I had to dig for. I guess what I took from that is this:

DUDE! I got a good laugh because really? You are a moron.

What?!?! Laughs are good! We all giggled at work and carried on with our day. It made me laugh during a trying time in my life. And that's just what I needed to keep the smile on.

And my insight? Well, I guess there is a fine line that can turn "looking for the positive" into "justification"...Please OH PLEASE do NOT justify someone's lame actions. If someone is treating you like crap don't make excuses for them. It's ok to say "you suck" (politely of course) and tell someone it's NOT ok to be a moron. Then find that ONE golden nugget. Even if the positive is to laugh at their ridiculous ways that's ok sometimes if that's what you need. Because it just might be YOUR fault that California's economy has taken a dump. All because you didn't start your own blog to save the world!!! :)