Wednesday, September 29, 2010

"You're not fat, you're just overweight!"

I'm a self proclaimed talker so it shouldn't be that hard to start a blog, but every time I want to write it's like I'm on stage with a huge crowd in front of me with all eyes and ears on me for the most important information they will ever hear! But here's the deal. I freeze, I can't seem to get a word out, why you ask? DUH, because I have a huge wedgie! I can't get a word out because of the insane urge to yank that wedgie out and yelp like a pitbull that has to pee in the middle of the night. (Thank you Julie, my bff of 35 years for having THAT dream.) And by the way, when I had a dream about stage fright, it had nothing to do with a wedgie. Not that any of this matters, I'm just sayin. Think of it as a preview of my random sarcasm while you read about my journey from being unhappily overweight to still overweight but happy AND on my way to skinny! So here's my story.

One might think that my life is a little hectic. I am not a fan of all this chaos in my world I'd prefer to be in a hotel room ANYWHERE and having no responsibilities for just a few days. And please, let me know if someone out there could figure out a way to make my kids get along without the argument ending up with a flip flop through the living room window that would be great! There's basketball, homework, calls from the principal, emails to teachers, dog hair everywhere, I know there's more than one bra in here somewhere, church, seeing my busy hubby only on Sundays due to scheduling conflicts, auto quotes, youth group, and how on earth am I supposed to fit in episodes of the Modern Family!!?? Oh ya, and I run. A lot. More than most fugitives fleeing to Canada. It's all new to me and I don't really know where it came from other than I got REALLY tired of being fat.

FAT SUCKS. Yes, Mr. Parks 9th grade science teacher, I said sucks. Out loud even! Yep, just like an earthquake, FAT sucks. And what sucks even more is when I would beat myself up for eating too much, or whatever the vice of the day was. Mostly eating, but man that darn Farmtown can really suck you in too! But ya, it sucks! And it made me crazy, it became an obsession to eat. And when I wasn't eating I was thinking about what I could eat next. Like Lucky Charms! Once I had this skinny girl tell me that she would love to help me lose weight and get fit. Help ME? AYKM? Because I'm fine! The only help I need is cleaning my house and picking up the kids once in awhile. You see, I have NO TIME FOR ME. I'm too busy to exercise, are you kidding?? I just want to go away on a mini vaca every couple of months with my BFF to escape and sleep. So then I can watch reruns with the tv on all night long, drink diet pepsi and eat some ice cream. How does that sound you skinny blond that really should consider fixing someone else who doesn't have any desire to eat healthy. That is just too much effort. How rude of a skinny girl to say "Hey, you are really out of shape, let me help you." But how do I say that to a girl I just met at church. HA! Clearly the polite thing to do was smile and say, "THANKS, but not now. Here's my number, call me sometime and we can talk." And darnit I knew she would too. Crap, another person I will have to entertain in my oh so busy world. Grand.

But as my days passed I kept thinking of my new "friend" aka Skinny Blond. And it kind of hit me hard that, wow, I didn't know I looked like that to others. From then on I really realized that I presented myself to others as an overweight person. Me....Who never looked in the mirror and acknowledged that I had gained 50+ pounds from the time I started dating my husband in 1999. I just thought I looked ok, and only I knew I wasn't skinny. It was my little secret that no one else knew. I didn't realize that others viewed me as overweight until that day. So I started realizing that I had been completely void of acknowledging how I was treating my own body. I was not taking care of it and honestly, had no desire either. I wanted to sleep! It didn't help that we lost our business of 12 years and that my husband and I both were out of jobs. We really had hit rock bottom. All that PLUS I felt like crap about myself. It got old FAST. My kids can't see me like this. It's time to make a change. We can't live like this, so off I go to get a job.

Thank God for 2 things. 1 being: It's who you know, not what you know. (Especially in Amador County!) 2: For April Green. So, that said, I land this amazing job at State Farm Insurance. The first of many things that helped me change my world around. Trust me, the Ca. Insurance Licensing Exam is straight from hell. Harder than giving birth drug free. Honest! After failing the first time I figured that I had worked too hard to fail again, so I took the test again and passed. That was enough to put me on a path of pulling my life together on a level that I had never imagined.

Skip forward 6 months and who walks in the door of the Insurance office for some car insurance but that Skinny Blonde that I had met at church! That's right. The Alyshia Davies. And guess who invites me to run. And to lunch. Well, what I was skilled at is eating so lunch it is! Let's not talk running, just food. Let's bring that on. During that first lunch of many with Alyshia, she started asking me questions about me. She share with me of how she used to be fat, ahem, overweight. How she had lost 150 pounds. She asked more questions. She listened and all I did was cry. I cried for what I wasn't, for what I was and for what I wanted to be. She said again "let me help you" and this time I took the bait.

And so began the day that I ran. All because one girl cared enough to help.

And for a hint about my next post..... "BUT I'M NOT A RUNNER!!!"


Sunshine said...

Kath -

I am so very proud of you!!! Mostly because you are taking care of yourself. It's a Linihan/Payne trait to not acknowledge and just stay busy, so changing our cycles is difficult but necessary. So much to say....

First and foremost, anyone who cares about you is concerned that you are happy with yourself. If you are sad with yourself, then that makes everyone that loves you sad. You are loved as much as you love, so that is a lot of love. The last thing that anyone wants you, Kathryn Carolotta :-), to feel is sad!!! I am proud that you are taking care of you!!!

So many mom's lose themselves with all the schedules, activities, resposiblities, etc. But a wise mom once said, "a happy mom is the best mom." You will be the best mom when you take time for yourself.

When you are running or choosing not to finish your meal, know that you are doing that for you and your health. Our family lives long, think health not just skinny). TRUST ME...You will get to a point when you miss not working out and realize that you are doing a disservice to your body/health. You might need to mix the workout up every few months/years, but ALWAYS make time for exercise. Even if it's 1 hour a day, 4 days a week. YOU CAN MAKE 4 HOURS IN A WEEK HAPPEN!!!!

Speaking for myself, I am not focused on a "number", I just love to fit in my clothes without having to strategically hide my 3rd chin, muffin top or big arms. My own pride on my accomplishment and dedication to myself, this is why I LOVE TO EXERCISE and eat right. Treat your body and soul well and the dividends will pay in every environment.

I love you, i'm proud of you, take care of you! You have an amazing husband, great kids and are a success. I can't say enough how happy I am you are taking care of yourself. WHEW, that might be it!!!! ;-)

Kitty Kat said...

YOU are also quite the amazing person Sunny, I have always admired the strength you have and the ability to share it with others. You have been an inspiration to me on numerous occassions, ever since we were kids. I'm so lucky to have you! We sure have been blessed with the "gift to gab" gene haven't we! LOL I am in such a better place Sunny. I love that you get that. And as Kevin has always said "If mama ain't happy...nobody happy!" LOL I love you!!!

Julie Tocher said...

I love you, Kathy!! Thank you for inspiring me to do something more with my life than drink and smoke and watch TV! You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and it all happened when we were 5 years old!!

Mike Pulskamp said...

I'm just so very glad that all of you fell into my life! I still can't quite get my head around the fact that I run...
But I do, and you are a big part of that!

The Racy Blond said...

Wow. Ditto what they said. I'm so proud of you. This is a BIG DEAL. GoKatGo. PS the writing's awesome. Yay Kat "Ernest Hemmingway with a sense of humor" Spears

Kitty Kat said...

Each of you are SO amazing! I can't imagine NOT running and all of you are such a huge factor. Thanks for all of you inspiring me. :)

Stacey said... made my eyes tear...Great blog. Hope to see you soon.