Wednesday, September 29, 2010

"You're not fat, you're just overweight!"

I'm a self proclaimed talker so it shouldn't be that hard to start a blog, but every time I want to write it's like I'm on stage with a huge crowd in front of me with all eyes and ears on me for the most important information they will ever hear! But here's the deal. I freeze, I can't seem to get a word out, why you ask? DUH, because I have a huge wedgie! I can't get a word out because of the insane urge to yank that wedgie out and yelp like a pitbull that has to pee in the middle of the night. (Thank you Julie, my bff of 35 years for having THAT dream.) And by the way, when I had a dream about stage fright, it had nothing to do with a wedgie. Not that any of this matters, I'm just sayin. Think of it as a preview of my random sarcasm while you read about my journey from being unhappily overweight to still overweight but happy AND on my way to skinny! So here's my story.

One might think that my life is a little hectic. I am not a fan of all this chaos in my world I'd prefer to be in a hotel room ANYWHERE and having no responsibilities for just a few days. And please, let me know if someone out there could figure out a way to make my kids get along without the argument ending up with a flip flop through the living room window that would be great! There's basketball, homework, calls from the principal, emails to teachers, dog hair everywhere, I know there's more than one bra in here somewhere, church, seeing my busy hubby only on Sundays due to scheduling conflicts, auto quotes, youth group, and how on earth am I supposed to fit in episodes of the Modern Family!!?? Oh ya, and I run. A lot. More than most fugitives fleeing to Canada. It's all new to me and I don't really know where it came from other than I got REALLY tired of being fat.

FAT SUCKS. Yes, Mr. Parks 9th grade science teacher, I said sucks. Out loud even! Yep, just like an earthquake, FAT sucks. And what sucks even more is when I would beat myself up for eating too much, or whatever the vice of the day was. Mostly eating, but man that darn Farmtown can really suck you in too! But ya, it sucks! And it made me crazy, it became an obsession to eat. And when I wasn't eating I was thinking about what I could eat next. Like Lucky Charms! Once I had this skinny girl tell me that she would love to help me lose weight and get fit. Help ME? AYKM? Because I'm fine! The only help I need is cleaning my house and picking up the kids once in awhile. You see, I have NO TIME FOR ME. I'm too busy to exercise, are you kidding?? I just want to go away on a mini vaca every couple of months with my BFF to escape and sleep. So then I can watch reruns with the tv on all night long, drink diet pepsi and eat some ice cream. How does that sound you skinny blond that really should consider fixing someone else who doesn't have any desire to eat healthy. That is just too much effort. How rude of a skinny girl to say "Hey, you are really out of shape, let me help you." But how do I say that to a girl I just met at church. HA! Clearly the polite thing to do was smile and say, "THANKS, but not now. Here's my number, call me sometime and we can talk." And darnit I knew she would too. Crap, another person I will have to entertain in my oh so busy world. Grand.

But as my days passed I kept thinking of my new "friend" aka Skinny Blond. And it kind of hit me hard that, wow, I didn't know I looked like that to others. From then on I really realized that I presented myself to others as an overweight person. Me....Who never looked in the mirror and acknowledged that I had gained 50+ pounds from the time I started dating my husband in 1999. I just thought I looked ok, and only I knew I wasn't skinny. It was my little secret that no one else knew. I didn't realize that others viewed me as overweight until that day. So I started realizing that I had been completely void of acknowledging how I was treating my own body. I was not taking care of it and honestly, had no desire either. I wanted to sleep! It didn't help that we lost our business of 12 years and that my husband and I both were out of jobs. We really had hit rock bottom. All that PLUS I felt like crap about myself. It got old FAST. My kids can't see me like this. It's time to make a change. We can't live like this, so off I go to get a job.

Thank God for 2 things. 1 being: It's who you know, not what you know. (Especially in Amador County!) 2: For April Green. So, that said, I land this amazing job at State Farm Insurance. The first of many things that helped me change my world around. Trust me, the Ca. Insurance Licensing Exam is straight from hell. Harder than giving birth drug free. Honest! After failing the first time I figured that I had worked too hard to fail again, so I took the test again and passed. That was enough to put me on a path of pulling my life together on a level that I had never imagined.

Skip forward 6 months and who walks in the door of the Insurance office for some car insurance but that Skinny Blonde that I had met at church! That's right. The Alyshia Davies. And guess who invites me to run. And to lunch. Well, what I was skilled at is eating so lunch it is! Let's not talk running, just food. Let's bring that on. During that first lunch of many with Alyshia, she started asking me questions about me. She share with me of how she used to be fat, ahem, overweight. How she had lost 150 pounds. She asked more questions. She listened and all I did was cry. I cried for what I wasn't, for what I was and for what I wanted to be. She said again "let me help you" and this time I took the bait.

And so began the day that I ran. All because one girl cared enough to help.

And for a hint about my next post..... "BUT I'M NOT A RUNNER!!!"